Diary

Trying to get over the "if I could just..." "if the situation was different then..." "if only" "if only" "if only" mentality. I'm struggling with it. :)

I will write here. It doesn't have to be that serious or even a full paragraph.

My dream is to have my own cafe. I wish I could have one without necessarily making profit, I just want to be comfortable and to make coffee for people comfortably. In my most ideal world it would be a pay what you can system, my friends would help out or run a bakery to sell their pastries, I could roast my own coffee in the back, and it would be something to give back to the community I live in with.

The AGM mentioned that most baristas pick a niche to focus on and really hone it in. I don't think I care much for coffee notes, I can tell when it tastes bad or the bare minimum of talking points but I'm not great with the rest. I love milk though! I love getting different milk textures and drink textures. I find a lot of pride in people telling me they had never received a coffee like that before. My favorite drinks have microfoam and the technical skills that go into milk steaming are appealing to me. I hate standing in line at a cafe, thinking I'll be ordering a hot drink, and then hearing the awful squeal of the milk burning just to get an iced latte. I wish I could ask them if I could steam my own milk lol.

This was going to be about how restless I feel about my current job, but I don't think anywhere I end up will feel like a right fit. I just need to get to a point where I can have a pop-up cafe, or a coffee cart, or whatever.

I hope this reminds me that ultimately, I am not the type that thrives under capitalism. The current systems in place are meant to keep people like me down and barely treading water, with the ocean leaking into my mouth while I pathetically spit and try to scream. The society I want will not happen in my lifetime. I cannot work hard enough to make my wish happen, it will come down to the people I connect with and the opportunities that I receive from the people in power.

xoxo love you!

I don't know why I feel so pressured to write something important here, my idea of what this will look like is just little snippets because my memory is terrible.

It's been a wild few days at my new job... I have been struggling to step back and let everything play out as is. Which is normal for me. I know it is. I want to get involved in shit that's not my business.

I can't even say I feel guilty about it because I don't. The drama's mostly hilarious and petty and very high school. Being put on food duty sucks and I've been struggling with wanting to do more but not wanting to step on toes-- or like, really, doing more than what I'm paid for. lol.

My wife keeps saying I get to go make coffee and then go home so I'm trying to have that mindset. :) Wish me luck.

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